JESUS CHRIST

When I was a little girl I experienced and saw things that no child should see or experience. As with any child who experiences great tragedy, abuse and pain, for many years I held onto it as if it were a warm fire on a cold evening. We blanket ourselves to protect the inside from crumbling. My mother, a devout (to the extreme) Catholic struggled with a variety of both physical and mental illnesses. She did not hesitate ever, that I can remember, to take the joy out of some of the most innocent child like moments that come along.  The flip side, was her intense guilt after every episode, and they were constant and many, was her incredible way of making each of us feel uniquely special. Now, I don't know about you but this mixed messaging can really screw you up.  You develop insecurities and shame, where none should  be. Fear of being abandon, and this was one of her biggest weapons, creeps in as an adult and rather than realize that it is unfounded and not real, you end up pushing people away through your own bad behavior because deep down inside you feel that you don't deserve anything, you are worthless.

But in spite of all the heartache and abuse, she gave us each something that could never be taken away. She introduced us to Jesus Christ. Now back then, early 60's, Catholicism was not what it is today. Strict adherence to "the rules" and "paying penance" and atonement were more the norm.  Well, as you can imagine, being a young child and getting all these mixed messages and signals in both family life and in a developing spiritual one..it was confusing. How do you discern truth from lie? What is real and what is merely a perception? Who isGod? And if he is this all loving God then why does he allow for bad things to happen to good people? I mean really, I was a mere baby with siblings below and above - we all we just kids trying to survive in an unimaginable situation and growing up at the same time. With Dad off working to support a family of 7 kids and a wife, it never surprised me that he was oblivious to the goings on in his absence. I remember I used to read my bible a lot. I enjoyed going to church but often found myself nodding off. And up until the tender age of 12 or 13, I think I really believed God was there.

Throughout my life, I have been blessed with some incredible WOW moments of Blessing~! Not just ordinary every day blessings, not that any blessing is ordinary, but the kind of blessings that make you go WOW, way to go GOD!  Now since I have shared so much of this stuff previously I will not take up space or your time in discussing the many times he saved my sorry butt. So tonight I want to share with you the Miracle of Jesus, the Miracle within every blessing and a foundation of WHO Christ is, through my eyes. I began this last night knowing this might be a several day blog. Because to try and even capture the essence of my BFF, my King, my Savior, I would need time.

Jesus Christ has rescued me from so many fires, where walls were crumbling around me and defeat appeared to be imminent. He has saved me from myself on 2 occasions, and saved me on 3 others from others. He has watched me since before I was even out of the womb and He knew who my parents would be, what my mother would do, what my father wouldn't do and the trials from day one to present. His word tells me He is my protector, my redeemer, my healer. He has kept me safe because he knew one day, according to HIS plan despite my best efforts to foil them, I would become the Daughter of Her King. That I would go on to serve in whatever way He wanted me to and that somehow in this inept and measly body and self I would bring glory to the Kingdom of Heaven.

When I had not filed taxes in a number of years and was getting my life in order, I was blessed with incredible IRS agents and State of Oregon agents that would not only be men and women of faith but who recognized the desire in me to turn my life into something that would honor God. When I gave up alcohol, a time of panic for me, He was there every step of the way - He was my AA. When I was hospitalized for what I thought was a potential heart attack and the bill was to the tune of $14000.00, he was there as I filled out the financial assistance paperwork reminding me to be truthful and not to worry, He was at the wheel. And, He was indeed...I was blessed to the tune of $14000.00 in assistance from the Hospital - they wrote off the whole amount. As I drew closer and closer to our incredible God, miracles began happening every day, within me - around me and through me. I was lit up like a candle stick with heavenly joy and wanted to shout it from  roof tops and share what I had come to know to be the truth.

At times of my deepest loneliness and loss, while He was silent and grieving with me, He WAS there. He taught me accountability and respect; the meaning of integrity and purpose; what Love is and more importantly, WHAT IT IS NOT. He graced my life for the past 10 years with the most amazing friends that He used to help mold and shape me, according to His will and not my own. Jesus doesn't force us to do anything. He doesn't cajole or trick us at all. He makes no false promises and never ever have I not felt Him near me. His word brings comfort and peace, joy and harmony to a world filled with chaos and disorder. Our times are as bad as they were during the time of Sodom and Gomorra, perhaps worse. Yet, at every twist and turn there He stands. I have watched the blessings and miracles in the lives of those I love and even those I am not so crazy about but love anyway. I have also watched as those who have no heart fixed toward heaven, faith or Jesus gain more and more and watched as those who devote their lives to him struggle with less and less. Yet they are the happiest of the 2 groups. Someone who has not come to receive and know Jesus might scoff or use intellect to validate their lack of belief rather than stand or sit, and have a meaningful conversation with someone like me...or my friends.

Last October, God's greatest blessing came when my brother took a few moments and stopped and prayed for me with his mom. For the past ten years I have been blessed with prayers that are in the thousands, maybe even tens of thousands because Jesus is in their hearts, their lives and will be throughout eternity, through their love I learned love. Through the trust I have learned through His faithfulness to me, I am able to give immeasurably of myself and what I have because He has taught me what is of value.  Through Jesus, my BFF I have peace and joy, hope and faith and a bounty of Love that I pray will bless others and I can be what He purposed me to be for Him.

Jesus is who He says he is. It is undeniable and without question in this believer's heart the Healer of all things that need healing in our lives. In my family we all turned out to be survivors, fighting the battles to keep sane, control and order. Each of us channel it differently and for different reasons. Some are still holding onto the hurts and bruises that their hearts and minds endured and causes them great moments of distress, loneliness and heartache. When I got here to NY on my second day, I went to the cemetery where my mother is buried. It amazed me that I even remembered where her tombstone was as I walked directly to it. Years earlier I would look upon her headstone and I was filled with doubt and fear, anger and maybe even hate. But as I stood there looking down, the tears streaming down my cheeks in the warm afternoon air, my heart was no longer battered and bruised but rather, it was filled with love and forgiveness. Another one of the amazing blessings over the years - Forgiveness. And not conditional forgiveness but real forgiveness. Because of Jesus I could remember my mother not as who she was but who God wanted her to be, and who she was in her belief. Mental Illness is a tragedy for so many people. It is killing men and women daily. It is killing our children.

When a child loses hope, the enemy creeps in and takes over. The abyss they crawl into is almost impossible to get out of. It is terrifying for me to imagine now, it is terrifying to our kids today. But there is an answer, a choice that can, will and does make a difference. Jesus Christ is a God of Love. Pure and Simple. He is sits patiently waiting for us to come to him, not forcing us to do anything but invite him into our lives and hearts. He is patient and kind, compassionate and full of grace. And His mercy, that is the real beauty of His love...it is unfailing mercy because of His unconditional love that sustains us when we are left feeling hopeless and alone. We cannot do ANYTHING ever ever ever, to lose His love and receive His mercy. What if we could bring that to our kids? What if we were to spend some time with these young hearts searching for their purpose and Hope in life. We live in an unforgiving world, but we do not have an unforgiving answer. We have Jesus.

As I purpose through to the finish line of this race and task that God has given me, I pray that those of you who read this blog will think to share it with a struggling teen or hurting kid. I have endless stories of unfailing love and forgiveness, but time has come to "pay it forward"..won't you? When I arrived here I was leery of the area and concerned for my well being and safety. Not quite a month later, I find myself saying Hi to my neighbors, something they are not used to. I find myself being blessed with kindness and love at every turn. And the only thing I can think to do is to give it back to someone else...pass this to a teen you know because maybe to you they don't seem in trouble but they might be. Or maybe they know someone who is, and they aren't sure how to reach out to that young life, friend, or whatever so use me. Use my heart to serve our kids all over, giving them Faith, Hope and Love in a way that in their heart of hearts they so desperately want and need.

Unconditionally pebble out...